Monday, July 7, 2014

A Love Story and a Lucite Table

I was in a different place on love's wheel when I wrote this 2 years ago. Now I am asking different questions and seeking different answers. Still, I found this today and thought I'd type it up.

I want to tell you a love story. It's not the usual kind, boy meets girl or girl meets girl or even boy meets boy, they fall in love and live happily ever after. Honestly, that's the kind of love story I've always wanted. Meet that special someone, fall in love and all that other stuff that makes for fairytale endings. In fact, that's just the problem - your eyes meet that special someone, assorted trials and tribulations of varying degrees happen and then the settling into castle (or suburban home), maintaining the family chariot (SUV), and the raising of the kids and sending them off to school (Harvard, Yale, Hogwarts.) But what happens when you wait for your Prince Charming (yeah, that's me) and when he doesn't show up go looking for him (yeah, that's me too) and all along the way realize that there is another love story happening, but it doesn't involve looking into someone else's eyes or getting a 2-carat diamond in a Tiffany setting or co-signing a mortgage.

This is the one where you look into the mirror one day and after all the ups and downs in the dating world, in relationships and in relationship with yourself say, wow, what beautiful eyes you have. And you know what? Those 15 extra pounds are totally ok and you can still dance like a 19-year old and did I ever tell you how cool I think you are?

Yeah, it was kinda like that for me. Though falling in love with myself didn't happen quickly (or maybe it did, like those people who claim it took them 15 years to be an overnight success.) It was in that 15-year overnight way, I fell in love with me.

The first time I knew I was in love was about a year ago. I was staying in a friend's apartment for a couple of weeks while she was away. Up against the wall next to the bathroom was a small lucite table where she kept a few things. Every time I went to the bathroom, I bumped into it. There was plenty of room to maneuver around it, but day or night - crash, right into it. One night, I woke up, went to the bathroom and of course, I walked right into the table again. Annoyed at myself for having once more knocked into it, I asked myself on the way back to bed why I kept crashing into it.

"Because it's invisible," was my wise-ass answer to myself. It was about 4:20 in the morning and I must have laughed for about 40 minutes. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't. I was too busy laughing. It was then I realized I truly enjoyed my own company. I had always wanted to share my gifts with someone, but that night I realized sharing them with myself was enough.

Does that mean I have given up looking for that person I want to share my life with? No, not at all. It's just that now I cultivate my most important relationship, the one with myself. After all the ups and downs of relationships that never took hold - and blaming myself and what I thought were my insufficient gifts as a person and as a woman - I am now at peace. I am now in love. I am now ready to tell you my story because you who are waiting for your love story to begin or have had your love story end and don't know where to begin again, I am here to tell you. Begin with you. I promise you, you have beautiful eyes. Just look into them.